This is Chip Shotmaster of GOLF TV reporting to you from the headquarters of the TUSGA, one of golf’s new governing associations. TUSGA President, Slice Hook, no relation to Captain Hook, just made an announcement about two significant changes to the rules of golf that will turn the golfing world upside down—literally. These changes are to go into effect immediately.
Both changes were unanimous decisions by the TUSGA board of directors after having received numerous complaints about the antiquated scoring method used to determine winners in golf.
The now defunct method created too much emotional stress for the players in today’s “participation trophy” society. These changes will create more opportunities for lesser skilled players to receive first-place trophies.
In addition to scoring changes, golf’s callous, politically incorrect term used to define player capabilities is unacceptable. The policy of ranking player’s abilities based on their average scores is cruel and demeaning. The concept known here to date as “handicap” is no longer applicable.
The two rules are as stated below:
Mr. Hook added, “The TUSGA board members noticed a substantial increase in the number of birdies, eagles, and albatrosses being shot by players around the world and felt it was their duty to protect all fowl. By making the highest score in golf the winner as is done in all other sports, we believe fewer players will have the desire to shoot these fine-feathered creatures of the sky. It’s a win-win situation for the fowl and the less talented players around the world. We will be putting pressure on the PGA, R&A, USGA, and LPGA organizations to implement similar changes to the rules of golf.”
Chip Shotmaster: “Mr. Hook, many people may not be aware of your organization. Can you tell our viewers what the acronym, TUSGA, means?
Slice Hook: “Sure Chip. TUSGA is the Total Unlimited Scoring Golf Association. It’s an organization devoted to bolstering the efforts of less talented golfers and protecting wildlife at the same time. These two recent changes will also lower the cost per stroke for all golfers and make the game more affordable for all who love the game.”
“Mr. Hook, won’t these changes also increase the time required to play eighteen holes of golf?”
Slice Hook: “That’s one of the wonderful side effects these changes will have on the game, Chip. They allow players to consume most of a day to play one round. We expect many players might start pushing to make golf a nine-hole event—at least that’s what the TUSGA is considering in the future.”
Chip Shotmaster: “Thank you, Mr. Hook. Folks, that’s the golfing news of today. The TSUGA is definitely turning the golfing world upside down. Now, back to the studio with Kitty Woods for more details on how these changes will impact the 2018 Masters.”
Kitty Woods: “Thank you for that report, Chip. Now, for more on the Masters…”
Tom Tatum – Author – 2018
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